WELCOME TO THE CHRISTIAN LAUGHING ZONE
Christian Humor and Good Clean Jokes Pages
CLEAN JOKES
Believe It Or Not
Recently, when I went to
McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 20 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at
the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twenty," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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I was checking out at the local Foodland
with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the
cashier had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it
all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar
code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her
"I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said
"OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no
clue to what had just happened....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as
to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries?
It's a long walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just
use copier paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies.
! ? !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The New Parents Dictionary
ATTITUDE: What anyone who can solve your child's problems has.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
GODSEND: any individual or group who offers to babysit for free!
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OWWW!: the first word spoken by children with older siblings (followed closely by "mine!")
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage! What a wonderful life!
1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ALWAYS.
2. It's not true that married men live longer that single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all -money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?"asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
5 Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, " I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon.!"
7. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 monthes--I don't like to interrupt her.
8. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Signs of the time...
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
English Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."
At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
At a Dry Cleaner: "Drop your pants here."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Non-Smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill., however, if you don't, you will be."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Signs of the time...
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
English Sign in German Cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."
At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
At a Dry Cleaner: "Drop your pants here."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Non-Smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill., however, if you don't, you will be."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
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